Pain
by KarmaAliceFowl009
Summary: Maka has been hiding something from her friends for a while. It's a matter of time before she snaps. BEFORE YOU EVEN READ: This story contains instances of self-harm. If that is triggering to you, please do not read! Rated M for self-harm, language, and possible later lemons (Haven't decided yet).
1. Pain

Pain

By: KarmaAliceFowl009

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Soul Eater! Also, this story contains instances of self-harm (as mentioned in the summary). You have been warned.

Maka was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. 'Why does life have to suck so bad?' she wondered. Sighing heavily, she pulled the comforter above her head, wanting the day to just go away. She heard her door be pushed open, indicating that either Soul was here to talk or Blair finally came home.

"Hey Maka, Black*Star challenged us to a game of basketball. You up for it?" Soul asked, peeking his head into her room. He learned to never enter her room without her permission the hard way.

"Not really," she murmured, burying herself deeper in the covers. She just wanted to be left alone. She hated being around the others because she knew that all they were going to do was pick on her.

"You okay?" he asked, risking a book to the head to sit down on her bed. He hated when his meister wasn't feeling well because he didn't know what to do to help her. "If you're sick I can stay here and take care of you. It's not a big deal." She threw her comforter off of her head to look at him.

"I'm fine. Just want to enjoy some peace and quiet. Don't worry about me. Go have fun!" she chirped with a false smile. She didn't want anyone, especially Soul, worrying about her. In order to keep him from worrying, she got good at hiding her true emotions from leaking into their shared wavelength. No one else needed to be a part of the mess that was her mind.

"Are you sure? You don't look so well," he questioned skeptically. Things had seemed off between them for a while, and he couldn't quite put a finger on what it was. He always worried about his meister, he loved her after all (though he never can admit that to her because of her distrust of men thanks to her stupid father). He just wanted to see a genuine smile cross her face again.

"Yes, I'm sure Soul. Just go," she sighed, lightly pushing him off her bed. "Have fun!"

"O-okay. Feel better," he said, shutting the door as he left to grab his gear and leave. He walked out of their apartment, wondering if leaving her alone was the best idea.

"Thank god he left," she sighed, dropping the cheery façade. She hated having to plaster on a fake smile and hide her true feelings from her friends. No one understood what she was going through. She knew she couldn't keep putting herself through the daily torture for much longer. She moved the blanket off her lap to stare at her legs. They were riddled with scars—some deep and some shallow. They just added to the unattractiveness that Soul teased her about. These ugly legs paired with her flat chest made her desirable to no one. The cuts had been going on for a while; ever since Soul got hurt on their mission in Rome. She felt worthless; she wasn't able to protect the person she cared about the most. It's not like he saw her as anything special anyways; he always mocked her personality and made fun of her appearance. The others recently started joining in, causing her to feel even more like the worthless piece of trash that she felt she was. She needed an outlet for these emotions, and the razorblade brought it for her. At first, she couldn't believe that she had actually resorted to self-harm, but after finding that the pain brought temporary relief, she continued turning to it. After getting carried away with it, she knew that she needed to find a way to hide the marks and scars from everyone. Her solution to this was to wear leggings under her skirt. It provided the best way to hide the scars, and when anyone would ask, she would simply say that she was cold. It seemed to work because no one questioned her again about them. Over time, it became more frequent, she needed to escape life's troubles more and more. Now, she had finally hit rock bottom. More needed to be done to bring her relief. She crouched down, pulling a box from underneath her bed before going to her desk to grab a piece of paper and pen. She sat down on her bed, placing the box on her lap and opening it, ready for more relief.

"Yahoo! You ready to play?!" Black*Star bellowed as Soul showed up to the court.

"Yeah," Soul mumbled, distracted. He was still stuck on trying to figure out if Maka was okay. He couldn't sense anything wrong in their wavelength, but he knew there something she was hiding.

"Where's Maka?" Tsubaki asked as she sat down next to Soul.

"She wasn't feeling too good today. I tried to stay home to take care of her, but she practically threw me out of the house," he murmured, tying his shoes.

"I hope she'll be okay!" she exclaimed and Soul just nodded, lost in his thoughts.

"Come on! Let's play! I'm tired of just sitting around!" Black*Star yelled before dividing the group up. It was Soul, Kid, and Tsubaki versus 'Star, Patty, and Liz. They started playing hard and it was enough to get Soul's mind cleared from the worry of Maka.

Maka shuffled through the contents of the box, finding her trusty razorblade on top. She pulled it out and looked at it, dried blood from her previous attempts marring the gleam of the metal. She placed it on her nightstand before turning back to the box. Next, she pulled a bottle of vodka out. She smuggled this from her Papa on one of the days she was forced to spend 'quality time' with him. He made her sick and made her hate herself more. There was nothing she could do to keep her Mama from leaving, it was all her fault. Stealing it from him was easy, he was always drunk or had his eyes on ladies, so it was a swift swipe into her bookbag. The alcohol found its place next to the razorblade as she pulled out a bottle of Warfarin, prescription blood thinners that she swiped from Stein's office on one of her visits to see the mad professor. She had no need for the rope that was in the box, nor the gun nestled in there. She placed the pills next to the blade and closed the lid, placing the box on the floor as she grabbed the paper and pen. She scrawled out a note, folding it in half and writing 'Soul' on the outside. Now was the time.

"The score is not symmetrical! We must keep playing!" Kid cried as they sat down for a break, all panting from exhaustion. All were guzzling down as much water as they possibly could to stay hydrated.

"You're just mad that you're losing to a God like me!" Black*Star cackled. The two continued to argue as Tsubaki talked to Soul.

"Soul-kun, are you alright? You seem out of it. Your head isn't in the game like it usually is," she asked with a kind smile, hoping to find out what was eating at her friend.

"I'm just worried about Maka. She's been acting strange lately," he sighed, snapping out of the daze that he had currently been in. "Has she mentioned anything to you?" he asked, turning to look at her.

"No she hasn't. She rarely talks to me anymore," she said with a sad smile. "I've noticed that she started acting strange as well, actually." This comment caught Black*Star's attention, pulling him from the argument he was having with Kid.

"You talkin' about Maka? What's her deal anyways? And what the hell is the deal with those pants under her skirt?" he questioned rapidly. "She's gotta be melting with those on!" he exclaimed, voice lowering from its normal ear-shattering octave, indicating that he was in a serious mood. Maka was like a sister to him, and he wanted to know what was wrong with her.

"Come to think of it, her weird behavior started shortly after she converted to wearing those pants under her skirt," Kid pondered, forgetting about the lack of symmetry due to the concern of his friend.

"Are you guys saying that a pair of pants are causing her to act weird?" Soul asked with a chuckle. He needed this lightheartedness from his friends to distract him from what was going on.

"No, what we're saying is maybe she is hiding something," Liz said, chiming into the conversation.

"What do you mean by that?" Soul said, grin instantly fading. Maka wouldn't hide anything from him, would she?

"Cuts!" Patty chirped, dancing around before taking the ball from Black*Star to shoot some hoops.

"Cuts?" Soul asked in confusion. What in the world was Patty chattering about now?

"That may explain it," Tsubaki muttered grimly, the group becoming solemn. Soul was still confused.

"What may explain what? Tell me Tsubaki!" he yelled, turning to her and grabbing her shoulders to shake her. He was panicking; what was going on!

"W-we think Maka may be hurting herself," she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes. He felt his heart seize at the words as he looked at his friends' expressions, all of them mirroring Tsubaki's.

"Hurting herself?" he whispered in disbelief.

Maka sat in the middle of her bed, cracking open the bottle of liquor and busting open the pill bottle at the same time. She shook out a handful of pills, popping them in her mouth. She chased them down with a hearty swig of the vodka, cringing from the bitter taste it had as she swallowed. She continued drinking the liquor, occasionally popping more of the blood thinners as she went. The alcohol and pills started making her fuzzy, her judgment clouded as she picked up the razorblade. She brought it across her wrist, digging deep. Blood gathered from the first wound and she cringed a bit from the sting it gave. She couldn't give up now, she was going all out for this. It was nothing that a little more vodka and pills couldn't numb. She continued carving into herself, careful not to let the pain go through the wavelength.

"It would make sense," Kid murmured. "It's hard to believe that Maka would actually resort to self-harm, but all of the warning signs are there." Soul just shook his head, he didn't want to believe that his meister was causing herself intentional harm. It just wasn't her.

"Soul, you can't deny that it's a possibility. I mean come on, she's always been a person to hide out in the apartment, but skipping out on group hangouts for over a month? That's just not right," Liz said, heart breaking at the thought of her friend cutting herself.

"Besides, you know her better than any of us do. So you should know that she always runs hotter than most people, which explains the short-ass skirts she always wears. Why would she suddenly change her wardrobe in the hottest months of the year?" Black*Star reasoned. He felt sick, he wanted to deny the fact that his sister was hurting herself, but there was this niggling feeling in his gut that was saying otherwise.

Soul fell off the bench and to his knees in disbelief. They had to be overthinking Maka's strange behavior, they had to be. There was no way that she was doing that to herself. None at all. He refused to believe. He closed his eyes, searching into their wavelength, hoping to prove them wrong. When he felt that she was fine, he sighed in relief. There was the proof he needed to know that they were overreacting.

Maka's head was spinning as she drank more. Blood stained her sheets as she looked down with slightly crossed eyes. She couldn't believe that her life turned to shit so quickly. She shook the pill bottle lightly, hearing a rattling sound indicating that there were a few left. She poured a couple in her hand, starting to mumble aloud. "Sorry Mama, sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep you with me. Sorry Papa, sorry I wasn't brave enough to confront you before life got shitty," she whispered, tossing the pills back.

"Soul," Tsubaki said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I think you should go check on Maka."

"She's fine, I can feel it in her wavelength," he said, tightening the laces on his shoes.

"Sorry Black*Star, sorry that I wasn't able to see you surpass God. Sorry Tsubaki, sorry I wasn't able to come to you with this and that I won't be able to see you become Black*Star's goddess," she cried, tears falling down her face as she finished off the vodka, the bottle falling to the floor, shattering. Her shaky hands clutched the blade for dear life, it cutting into her palm. "Sorry Kid, Liz, and Patty, sorry that I will not be able to see you become the next Shinigami and the best death scythes to ever be wielded." The cuts started getting deeper, she was almost there. "Sorry Shinigami-sama, Stein, Marie, and all the other professors. I just wasn't strong enough to become the best meister ever."

"Soul, you really should check on her. I have a bad feeling," Black*Star said seriously.

"I agree. I mean, it is possible to hide things from your wavelength," Kid mused, hoping that Soul would go check on her.

"You can't ignore this Soul," Liz said softly, praying that her friend was okay.

"Guys she's fine. Let's just start playing again," Soul growled, taking the ball from Patty. He didn't want to dwell on those negative thoughts anymore. The others sighed, joining him for the game, but with less enthusiasm as before.

"S-sorry Soul," she slurred. "Sorry I couldn't be the best, coolest partner ever. I hope your next partner makes you into a wonderful death scythe," she hiccupped, hand flailing and knocking the bottle over. She brought the razor to her throat as she looked at the ceiling. "I love you. I am so sorry," she whispered, tears streaming, cutting herself from their wavelength as she brought the blade across her neck in a deep stroke. She coughed, collapsing on the mattress as she began to bleed faster.

Soul froze as soon as he shot the basket, a terrible sensation shooting through him. It felt like everything that he had ever been made of had been ripped from him. Frantic, he searched for Maka's emotions only to find none. "M-Maka!" he screamed, pushing past the others to run towards their apartment. How could he have been so stupid?! Why didn't he listen to the others and go home earlier? Adrenaline pushed him further, he needed to make sure she was okay. How did he not notice the signs himself, what with having a past of self-harm himself? Was it his tendency to ignore what terrible things could happen? Was it that he couldn't believe that his innocent meister would ever do that? He didn't know. All he knew is that he had to get to the house soon incase anything had happened. He heard footsteps behind him, but he ignored them, his focus on the apartment. "Maka!" he yelled, busting through the door. Dread filled him when he didn't hear her respond to him. He could smell the faint tang of blood in the air and his stomach dropped. No, he refused to believe. "Maka? Are you in here?" he asked from the other side of her bedroom door. His heart started beating erratically when there was no response. "I-I'm coming in," he yelled, pushing on the door. It swung open easily, and he wished he could erase the image before him from his mind for forever. Maka, his Maka, lying in a pool of her own blood, cuts riddling her arms and legs. He ran to her side, fighting off the urge to collapse at seeing her in such a state. He took his shirt off, ripping it into bandages to try to stop the most serious wounds as he held her close. "Why Maka?" he cried into her hair, screaming in frustration.

"Soul, is she al-" Kid started as he ran into the open room, his sentence cutting off at the horrific scene before him. The others followed close behind, tears forming in their eyes as they saw her state.

"M-Maka!" Tsubaki cried, falling to her knees. She knew she should have confronted her long ago about her odd behavior. She felt terrible as she sobbed. Liz and Patty carried her to the living room as Black*Star stood in shock. There was no was his little sister could have done something like this. He walked silently to Soul's side, trying to help him stop the bleeding.

"Stein, this is Kid. We need you at Soul and Maka's now," Kid spoke into the phone in a hurry. He didn't know how much longer Maka had, but he would be damned if they didn't try to save her.

"What's going on?" Stein said, already gathering his equipment. He normally didn't do house calls, but he could sense the urgency in the Shinigami's voice.

"Suicide attempt," he said flatly, looking around the room for the tools she used, knowing that Stein would need them.

"I will be right there," he said, hanging up abruptly to hurry over. Soul was still sobbing into Maka's hair as Black*Star continued to bandage her up. He didn't understand this. He would die without her by his side. She brought out the best in him. Hell, she was the best thing to happen to him in his life. He wasn't going to let her go, not until he knew she was okay, he vowed.

"Soul, this has your name on it," Kid whispered, handing him the paper he found while he collected the blade and bottles. Soul took it, instantly recognizing the writing to be Maka's. He opened it up and felt his heart break even more from what he read.

_Soul,_

_I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it anymore. The relentless teasing. The guilt of not being able to protect you. The failure of not being able to live up to my mother's achievements. The pressure just kept building up and I finally snapped. I wish I would have had the courage to tell you how much I actually adored you, no, loved you. But I was too much of a coward to voice my feeling out loud. That was one thing I learned from you, how to suppress my emotions as everything ate me up inside. _

_By the time you get this, I will be gone. The pills and alcohol should have worked while you were all out, and I should have bled dry. I'm so sorry that it had to be like this. I did love you and care for you, I really did. I just can't do it anymore. Tell my Papa and the others that I love them and that I am sorry. _

_I hope you find a new partner who is worthy of you. I am sorry to disappoint you like this, but believe me, it's better off this way. _

_Sorry,_

_Maka_

More tears rushed down his face as he crumpled the letter in his fist. How did he not know she was hurting so bad? How could he have been such an inconsiderate asshole? His teasing, a way to cover up his true feelings for her, backfired completely. He hated himself now. He knew that if she didn't make it through this that he would forever blame himself. He knew he had to help her heal, no matter what. Stein showed up in a matter of minutes with Sid and Nygus to get Maka to the dispensary for treatment. They had to pry Soul away from her, telling him that if he didn't let go, she wouldn't make it. His face fell into her mattress as he cried while they transported her to Shibusen. The others had somber expressions, not being able to believe that the toughest person they knew broke so quickly.

"Come on Soul. We need to go with them," Black*Star murmured in a hallow voice. He helped his friend to his feet, knowing that Soul would break more if he wasn't there with Maka every step of the way. They all walked numbly to the hospital, praying silently that Maka would make it through this.

**A/N: **So, I felt my heart break multiple times from this. Since school has started again, it may take a bit before I can update. Read and review my lovelies! Oh, and negative reviews are to be PMed to me directly, NOT posted where everyone can see them. Thank you.


	2. Never Too Late

Pain

By: KarmaAliceFowl009

Chapter 2: Never Too Late

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Soul Eater! Also, this story contains instances of self-harm (as mentioned in the summary). You have been warned.

Soul was numb the entire walk to the hospital, thoughts swirling around. He couldn't get the image of Maka covered in her blood to leave his mind. He knew he should have stayed home with her. If he had, this wouldn't have happened. He was her weapon for Christ's sake! He was supposed to protect her from everything, including herself. He felt his stomach drop from the thought of how long she had been suffering in silence. Why did she not come to him? Oh yeah, because he was the dumbass that caused this. Well, he wasn't the only cause, but he sure felt like it. Tears were pricking at his eyes, burning them. If only he could have stopped this. Why did he have to tease her for all those years? Why did he have to be such an idiot?

"Soul, calm down," Black*Star whispered, placing his hand on the albino's shoulder. "Your wavelength is going everywhere." This snapped Soul out of his self-loathing. There was more to worry about than how stupid he was. He could dwell on that later. Right now, the focus was Maka and making sure she survived through the rest of the day and the night.

"Sorry," he murmured, keeping his eyes trained on the ground. He knew Black*Star probably blamed him for what happened as much as he blamed himself. Maka was his little sister, and the fact that Soul had been part of the cause was sure to make him enemy number one in the assassin's eyes. Black*Star stopped and turned to face the sulking scythe.

"I know you blame yourself for this, but you don't need to. It's not your fault, well, not entirely. We are all to blame for this. And if anyone is to take the brunt of this, it's her father. He's the one who caused this," he spoke quietly, trying to get through Soul's muddled thoughts.

"But if I wasn't so stupid, I could have prevented this!" he yelled, tears springing in his eyes.

"Soul. Listen to me. Mental illness is something that you can't prevent. It happens. Shit like this happens. You know better than anyone else what I mean. But all we have to focus on now is that we got to her before she got worse and we are trying to get her the help she needs." His eyes bored into Soul's, hands clasping down on both shoulders.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he sighed out, eyes flickering down to his wrists before looking back at him in the eye. Black*Star was his best friend, the only one he had ever told about his times before the academy and the pain that came with it. "Let's get there soon before I go crazy," he grinned somberly as they continued walking towards the hospital.

The rest of the walk was silent. Before long, they were at the hospital, meeting up with Kid.

"I brought the evidence in case Stein needs it. The girls took Tsubaki to your place and are taking care of her," he spoke to Black*Star and he nodded back in answer.

Soul's heart rate picked up as he saw Stein walk out of the emergency room towards them.

"She's stable as of right now. I stitched up the particularly deep cuts and bandaged the others," he spoke, messing with the screw in his head as he pushed up his glasses. "However, she will have to stay overnight for monitoring." Soul exhaled a breath of relief; his Maka was going to be okay.

"Is it okay to go see her?" Soul asked, fear creeping into his voice. He wasn't going to take no for an answer. He needed to see Maka. He needed to see that she would be fine.

Stein cocked his head to the side, contemplating his words. "Well I don't see any harm in it but she is asleep," he spoke but the rest of his words fell on deaf ears as Soul sprinted to her room, intent to be by her side until she was well. He paused outside the door. What if when she woke up she didn't want to see him? Would she blame him for living? He pushed these thoughts aside and entered the room, breath catching in his throat as he saw her connected to various machines to monitor her heart rate and administer medication, as well as he could see the bandages that covered her arms.

"Maka…" he whispered, sitting down beside her and grabbing her hand, squeezing it lovingly. The sight of her like this chilled him to the bone; it reminded him of his past too well. He shook that thought off. No time to dwell on it now.

"Maka I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't see that you were hurting sooner. If I did, I would have helped you instead of make it worse. I feel terrible now, but I'm glad that I didn't lose you. You mean so much to me. I, I love you," he whispered, tears dripping from his eyes to stain the sheets as he squeezed her hand yet again. His eyes shot open as he felt a faint squeeze back from her. "Maka! Are you awake?" he asked, but then the door slammed open, cutting him off.

"Stay away from my daughter you prick," Spirit yelled, face red. Soul's eyes narrowed in a glare as he faced the Death Scythe who was wobbling slightly from alcohol consumption.

"Make me," he snarled out in a challenge.

"I don't see how you can sit beside her and pretend to care when you were the one who caused her to be like this!" he yelled, grabbing his collar to attempt to pull him away from Maka's side.

"Get your hands off me you asshole!" he screamed, breaking the Death Scythe's grip and pushing him away from the bed. "You know what old man? I'm not the only one to blame for this! You were the one who fucked her up with your cheating ways! You made her not be able to trust people, so no wonder she has so many issues and couldn't go to anyone when she was hurting! This is mostly your fault!" he growled, knocking him over.

Spirit was stunned into silence from Soul's words. "N-no! I refuse to believe what you say!" he gasped out, trying to stand up.

"I don't care if you believe or not because it's true. It was even in her suicide note," he spat, glaring at Spirit. Before the other could utter another remark, Stein walked in, stepping between the two.

"Listen both of you. I know that there is bad blood between you, but now is not the time to be bickering. You both need to get your shit together for Maka or you won't be allowed to visit," he said seriously, which shut both of the men up. Soul slunk back into the chair, clutching her hand again as Spirit sank back to the floor, unable to force himself to stand.

"H-how did she try?" Spirit whispered brokenly from the floor.

"Highly potent blood thinners combined with Vodka before hacking at herself," Stein stated matter-of-factly, causing both of them to cringe, Soul from the memory of walking in and seeing her in that state and Spirit from the thought of his daughter being so serious about taking her own life that she would go to such extreme measures.

"What's going to happen now?" Soul asked as he caressed her hand softly, idly wishing that she would squeeze back again.

"Well, there are a few options. We could send her away to a mental institution…"

"No," Soul cut in, glaring at the professor. How could he even suggest sending her away when she was like this?

"Soul, this isn't the time to be a brat," Spirit seethed. How dare he try to interfere with his daughter's treatment?

"Sending her away when she is this fragile will do nothing for her Spirit. I know her better than anyone else. She will just become more upset and try again," Soul sighed. He wanted to rip his hair out from the stress.

"Or…" Stein interjected. "She can stay here. She will have to be in the hospital for at least a week after regaining consciousness and when she is released to have constant supervision to make sure that no more attempts are made. And once a week she would have to come see me."

"Would that be what's best for her?" Soul asked, glancing at the doctor. He seemed to muse this over for a few minutes before responding.

"While it would be ideal to send her to a mental institution for treatment, I do have to agree with you Soul about how that probably would damage her worse. I do think that if you monitor her, since you are so close to her, it will bring about better results than sending her off to a stranger." Soul just nodded, silently agreeing to the doctor's orders. He would make sure Maka recovered, he swore on his life.

"Soul," Spirit addressed him, finally able to stand. "You better take good care of my Maka, you hear? Make her better."

"I will," he promised, and that was enough reassurance from both men as they left him alone with Maka. "I will help you get better Maka. I swear on my life that I will," he whispered as he kissed her forehead. Now all that he could do was wait for her to awake.

**A/N:** Read and Review my lovelies! Sorry it took so long to update T.T

Between work, school, and SoMa Week, I had no time for any of my other original stories. I shall try to be better with this now! Anyways, I hope you enjoy (as much as you can given the content). And remember! Negative reviews are to be PMed to me directly! I don't want others reading hate or any spoilers to happen! Please and thank you!


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